During the holidays, we’re bombarded with images of “perfect” families gathered around perfect dinners, creating an illusion of ideal holiday celebrations. In reality, many families are far from perfect, and for those without strong support networks, the holidays can amplify feelings of isolation.
“We see all those Hallmark movies and commercials about ‘happy’ families,” says Vanessa Holmes, a social worker at The Royal. “But not everyone has those emotional attachments or connections, so they’re not celebrating the holidays with family. That longing for connection can make us feel lonely.”
Older people may feel isolated after losing interpersonal connections in retirement. Some may feel lonely in marriages where emotional intimacy has eroded. Teens might feel disconnected from both friends and family. Loneliness takes many shapes, but its impact is universal.
Public health impacts of loneliness
Holmes, a social worker at The Royal since 2004, has worked in the Geriatric Psychiatry Program, the Forensic Program, and the Youth Psychiatry Program. She says people who come from challenging circumstances or have had traumatic experiences are more likely to suffer from loneliness.
Loneliness isn’t just an emotional experience – it has far-reaching health impacts. Research has linked loneliness to heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, chronic pain, and obesity as well as harmful behaviours such as smoking and problematic substance use. People who are lonely have higher risks of depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts. Over time, loneliness can also affect cognitive function, doubling the risk of dementia.
Simple ways to help someone feel less lonely
Holmes says small – but meaningful – actions can help alleviate loneliness.
“You can have a 'hey neighbour’ relationship with the person next door, but there's something very different about helping them shovel the driveway in the winter,” she says.
Broadening your social circle can be a meaningful way to foster connection. If you’re planning a cookie exchange or holiday gathering, consider inviting someone new – perhaps that neighbour you don’t know well.
If that neighbour has been hard to get along with in the past, Holmes encourages practicing unconditional acceptance of others, embracing people as they are without judgment or expectation. While it might feel challenging, the holidays offer a chance to cultivate empathy and understanding.
Understanding and overcoming loneliness
Being lonely is not the same as being alone. And while loneliness is characterized as a feeling of sadness or distress stemming from a perceived lack of social connection or meaningful relationships, Holmes believes there's a distinction worth making between missing loved ones and being lonely.
“You might be away from your family over the holidays, but if you have a strong connection to them, you might miss them but not technically be lonely,” describes Holmes, who adds that it might not seem like a significant distinction, but naming the feeling and acknowledging the difference can be comforting.
Holmes believes more research is needed around the idea of functional and dysfunctional loneliness. Just like there are good kinds of stress – the kind of stress that prompts students to study for their exams – she believes that loneliness empowers people to take steps to build the connections they truly need.
When clients express feelings of loneliness, clinicians like Holmes help them think of meaningful ways to connect with others. Sometimes, finding that connection means stepping outside one’s comfort zone. It’s not always easy.
“This is all about being vulnerable; that's the underpinnings of it all,” says Holmes. “To have a healthy human attachment, you need to be vulnerable. Falling in love, being vulnerable with your family, accepting your family – and accepting of yourself – acceptance is key.”
Here are a few ideas to help combat loneliness:
- Host a small gathering of neighbours to get to know them better.
- Seek opportunities to volunteer. “When we give to others, we are giving to ourselves at the same time,” says Holmes.
- Reach out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. A quick hello or a coffee meetup can go a long way. If December feels too busy, plan something for January – it gives you both something to look forward to.
Caregivers and loneliness
Caregivers often experience a unique kind of loneliness. Holmes and her colleagues in The Royal’s Geriatric Psychiatry Program frequently address caregiver burnout, which is closely tied to loneliness. A caregiver with an aging parent or spouse who has dementia, for example, can feel lonely despite their loved one’s physical presence. Stress and unmet personal needs can make this loneliness even more profound.
To address this, Holmes recommends caregivers reflect on what they can do to fill their metaphorical cup: What would I be doing if I wasn’t in this caregiving role? Perhaps it’s attending book club, sharing a story over coffee, or rediscovering other social hobbies that once brought joy. Identifying and prioritizing these needs – and lots of self-compassion – is key to preventing caregiver loneliness and nurturing well-being.
Turning loneliness around
Fred is a former client in the Geriatric Program who had been hospitalized with a major relapse of a mental illness. As Fred recovered, staff members learned he was a big bridge player in his younger days.
A widower whose adult children lived out of town, Fred eventually rediscovered his love of bridge and started two bridge groups, one in his retirement home and the other at his neighbourhood community centre. Not only did he address his loneliness head-on, but he also helped others with theirs.
“Fred’s story is a good reminder that even small steps toward doing something you love can open doors to meaningful connections,” says Holmes. “Connection, no matter how or where it starts, has the power to transform lives.”